Sunday, September 17, 2006

The wit and wisdom of Shaquille O'Neal   posted by Darth Quixote @ 9/17/2006 11:49:00 PM

Classic Shaq quotes in no particular order, except that the leadoff quote is HBD-related ... just to make this a true GNXP post ...

Nobody wants to get dunked on by a white guy.

Tell Yao Ming I said this: "Ching-chong-yah-wah ... ah-soooo ..."
Yao Ming's response:
Chinese is a hard language.

Some things you just can't question. Like you can't question why two plus two is four. So don't question it, don't try to look it up. I don't know who made it, all I know is it was put in my head that two plus two is four. So certain things happen. Why does it rain? Why am I so sexy? I don't know.

After winning the state high school basketball championship:
REPORTER: Shaquille, what do you attribute your team's success to?
SHAQ: I attribute it to me.

I'm like the Pythagorean Theorem. Not too many people know the answer to my game.

One time I put up 40, 50 points dunking on Shawn Bradley. After the game he brought his family over. He was like, "This is my wife. She wants to take a picture." I'm like, "Nice to meet you." I smile into the camera, take the picture, and then feel guilty about dunking on him so many times.

I knew I was dog meat. Luckily, I'm the high-priced dog meat that everybody wants. I'm the good-quality dog meat.

Pat Riley is a good-looking man. It's my job to keep him looking good.

Rolling down the window of his SUV while driving through South Central and shouting at the top of his lungs:

The Spurs? They're a good WNBA team.

I am Superman. And the only thing that can kill Superman is Kryptonite. And Kryptonite doesn't exist.

Y'all reporters like my quotes, don't you? Yeah. My quotes are Shaqalicious.

Me shooting 40% at the foul line is just God's way to say nobody's perfect.

After a 25-point comeback victory against the Boston Celtics:
They shot the ball well early. What comes out of the microwave hot doesn't always stay hot. I know, because I eat bagels in the morning.

I had an awful first quarter but I picked it up. To all you single guys out there, it's not how you start the date, it's how you finish it, sir. A lot of people can, you know, start the date with flowers and candy, but if you don't finish the date ... you know what I mean?

When asked how he would defend himself:
I wouldn't. I would just go home. I'd fake an injury or something.

When describing his MBA classmates' reaction to him:
"They would all say, 'You're not like we thought you would be. You're not as smart as we thought that you would be.'"

When asked to compare Penny Hardaway, Kobe Bryant, and Dwayne Wade:
The difference between those three is the Godfather trilogy. One is Fredo, who was never ready for me to hand it over to him. One is Sonny, who will do whatever it takes to be the man, and one is Michael, who if you watch the trilogy, the Godfather hands it over to Michael. So I have no problem handing it over to Dwyane.

I'm like Pampers, toothpaste, and toilet paper. I'm proven. To be good. And useful.

On returning from a trip to Europe:
REPORTER: Shaq, did you visit the Parthenon?
SHAQ: I don't know. I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.

They call me the Big Sewer because I have a lot of shit in my game.

When asked whether the Sacramento Kings might dethrone the Lakers:
I'm not too worried about the Sacramento Queens.

I'm tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.

Utah had beaten us in the playoffs the year before, and my knee was screwed up, so Greg Ostertag was scoring, blocking a couple of my shots. I guess it gave him confidence. Lord knows, after seeing his game, he needs it. I went to talk to him after a practice and let him know he needs to just play and not talk. I said, "Man, you need to watch what you say," And he was like, "Fuck you, watch what you say." So I was like, "Oh, you bad now?" I wasn't even mad, it was like a reflex. My openhanded right came up and smacked him upside his crewcut head. He went down, fetal position, whining, "My contact lenses, my contact lenses!" If Ostertag had known I'd taken Tae-Bo with Billy Blanks, he wouldn't have said that.

On why Phil Jackson assigned him to read Thus Spake Zarathustra:
Nietzsche was a difficult book to read. Nietzsche was so unique, they thought he was crazy. I guess Phil thinks I'm very unique to a point where I may be crazy.

When asked about his relationship with Kobe Bryant:
I'm a married man. A married man doesn't want to have a relationship with another man. So stop asking me about it ... OKAY?

On his physical conditioning:
My weight numbers, sometimes it's going to be a higher number, and you mere Earthlings, when you hear a high number, you're automatically going to think it's fat because you're only of this planet. But no, I'm just a big, sexy, beautiful man that's up in the 340s, 350s.